Sending your kiddo to college? Thoughts from someone who has been down that road

Do you have a first-time college student in your home this fall? Are you ready – or maybe a little stressed out?

Well, I can honestly tell you this is something I have never done before (my oldest son is 16). However, I know someone who has.

So, I thought it would be fun to bring that perspective to this blog today.

My older sister Donna lives in California and is a high school English teacher. She recently sent her daughter (the oldest of three) to college, including the emotional drop off.

So, I asked Donna to do a little Question-and-answer about her experience with her daughter Brianna, who is a freshman at San Diego State University.

Q: How did you prepare yourself for the big day?

“We prepared for the big day by making lots of lists, doing lots of packing, and paring things back to ‘necessities’ and ‘really, really want to take’. We spent quite a few evenings chatting about what things she might expect to encounter that were new experiences — the good and the bad — and how to handle those situations as they came up. Orientation was a great way to prepare, too, not just because of all the info they gave us as parents and students, but also because it allowed us both to get the lay of the land and get a feel for the culture of the school before the big day. It allowed her to get a sense of where she was going, and it eased my worry about sending her off to the Great Unknown.”

Q: How did it go? Who went with you? Or was it just the two of you?

“Our journey was just the two of us — a mom and daughter road trip. I really enjoyed that it was just the two of us. We rocked out to music on the drive, chatted a bit about the excitement of moving day, and yes, cried a little. She and I are very close, so a long-term six hour distance between us is a very big deal. Prior to now, ten days is the longest I’ve ever been away from her.”

Q: What advice did you give her during the ride or as you said your goodbyes? Any words of wisdom?

“There was practical advice, of course — be sure to budget your food allowance, give yourself enough time to get to classes, learn the local trolley routes. There was also the much more important stuff — be yourself (because she’s a pretty great kid), don’t be afraid to stand up for your own beliefs, and most importantly, make good choices, but realize that I know people make mistakes, and we can learn from those mistakes. Don’t ever be afraid to let me know if you’ve made a mistake. I am always here for you, no matter what, through the good and the bad.”

Q: What would you say to parents who haven’t gone through this before? What were you ready for? (Or what was she ready for?) And what surprised you, if anything?

“I think it’s important to realize that although as parents we can be sad, the kids are mostly excited (even if they’re a little scared). We are losing a sense of what we’ve seen as ‘normalcy’ forever. It’s a big adjustment. The kids are adjusting, too, but they’re moving toward something big and exciting and new to replace their old version of ‘normal’. It can be more of a little grieving process for parents. I think Bree was mostly prepared for the separation, and I was too, but it might hit you harder than you realize. It did me.

“It’s a huge leap of faith to drive away and leave her behind to a new life. I’ve got to trust that I’ve done my job well and that she’ll keep true to herself. That, I have no problem with. The fact that I have no control over who and what she comes into contact with anymore, living on her own six hours away, well that’s what surprised me about myself in this situation. I’m an optimist, and I believe in believing in the good of others. The reality is, though, that she will encounter people who have questionable ethics and motives. I found myself worrying about that more than anything else. It’s hard to let go of the desire, the ABILITY, to protect her from things in this world that aren’t always beautiful and good.

Q: What thoughts did you have on the drive home? And how are things at home now? Obviously, it’s a different feel, so there’s bound to be some adjustment for the whole family.

“The drive home was a tough one. It’s a bit like leaving a piece of yourself behind in the rear view mirror. This is my firstborn, so this is a new experience for me. Honestly, though, I am finding that it’s not nearly as rough as I thought it would be. I miss her, and that’s bound to get even worse in the coming weeks. I miss hanging out with her, and going shopping with her, and I miss knowing all of her friends. However, I know that she has adapted to college life like a duck to water; she is absolutely thriving in her new environment.

“She’s happy, social, involved, and enjoying her classes. That’s what I want for her. How do I know? Because we are living in an amazing age of technology that allows us to communicate in a variety of ways as often as we want. We text daily; we can keep up with each other on Facebook. We Skype. There’s even a good old-fashioned phone call. Gone are the days when one truly struck out on their own, heading off into the sunset. Six hours away is a huge distance in some ways, but it’s also so much closer now than it was even 10 years ago. San Diego is only a Skype call away, any time mom misses her, and any time she needs her mom.”

• An editor by day, Scott Mayes is also dad to Matthew, Micah and Nathan. He’s a high school parent, a youth football dad and changes diapers. But here’s one thing he’s not: a college parent … for now, he’ll leave that up to his sister.

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